Miles Tibbet: This isn't fair.

Alan Shore: You're right, it's not. But you have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross-examine people like you and crush them. This man here would fire me if I didn't.

Denny Crane: Denny Crane.

---

Denny Crane: Pull a rabbit out of your hat. That's the secret both to trial law and life.

---

Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

---

Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

---

Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.

---

Denny Crane: It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.

---

Denny Crane: It's fun being me!
[after thoughtful pause]
Denny Crane: Is it fun being you?
Alan Shore: Most of the time.

---

Denny Crane: [talking to Alan on the balcony] The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.

---

Denny Crane: 100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts! And you kept them all to yourself.

---

Denny Crane: I'm going to tell you this one more time with all the humility I can summon up. I'm the greatest trial attorney that ever lived. You will not beat me.

---

Denny Crane: My friend, I can't tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you were dead.

---

Denny Crane: You know, the best part of my marriages has always been the first day.
Alan Shore: Just married. Grand thing. But for me there was nothing more devastatingly lonely than being married for a while.
Denny Crane: You never talk about your wife. What was she like?
Alan Shore: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny Crane: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan Shore: She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, that's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

---


[Po tym jak Denny postrzelił koleśia przystawiającego pistolet do głowy Allana]

Allan Shore: Remember when we went skeet shooting together?
Denny Crane: I do.
Allan: I barely remember you hitting a single skeet.
Denny: I'm a game player.

---

[odcinek "Schmidt Happens" dziwnie kojarzący się z pewnym amerykańskim powiedzeniem, scena w męskim kiblu]


Alan: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure (extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom)

Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.

Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis

(...)

Shirley Schmidt: I know all about you.

Allan Shore: And I you. There's much written in stall number two about you... I pictured you younger, much.

Shirley: A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle. He also knows a good rattle when he sees one. Since I'm your boss,
I can't return your sexual banter. But I will say for the record that
if I were looking for a rattle he would be taller, he would be better-looking, he would be more evolved than a junior in high school.

Allan: I prefer the juniors in high school.

Shirley: He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish and, yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I first entered the room he would be bigger, much.